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| (September 2006)
everything has been going monotonous. well at least nothing too new at this point. i mean, i've extracted the most out of one place, what more can i get out of it? everybody has their mind occupied of leaving this place, but sometimes that little part of you never did get a chance to relive those moments of goodness we've had at this same place.
this whole college business is finally right in front of my feet. i've been using my toes to test the river and extrapolate a prediction of what life would be like when we dip ourselves in the water. in fact, so few had thought about how different it would be to dip our whole body in it than just to dip our tiny toes in. i could only see all the good coming my way- it gives me the rush. like when we stand right in front of the river, we could only see the mesmerizing view and get ourselves excited for the jump-into-the-river.
daydreaming about fantasies coming true is the most futile. you dream and imagine and waste your time on it instead of making it happen. it makes me laugh sometimes how im up there imagining about what everybody and my reaction would be like when i open that letter from Stanford congratulating me, and welcoming me with their strangest heart. i haven't been progressing very efficiently with applications- a part of me worries not. a part of me worries tremendously. i cant think of anything to write in my essays that will make me "stand out". so here i am trying to center myself and absorb the outside world that has led me to who i am today.
(October 2006)
Events have come and gone. Emme-leen's birthday, bio field trip, cousin's wedding. And now back im in the past. [Past and present tense.] When you found and grasped the meaning of love, it wont leave you alone. It chases you, naturally, and you're bound to fall for it all over again. Im just keeping my fingers crossed. Even with all the “turbulence" along the process, who said love was gonna be easy?
Okay, recapping:
Emme-leen's birthday party was quite something. Red ribbons, speeches, drinks, music, tears and a reminder how close we girlies are. Glimpses of future cracked open, we start wondering where we're all gonna end up. Hoping everything remains as it is, or even better.
Bio field trip. Definitely a fun learning event. Fucking sea lice have no mercy on us "guests" of the sea. All the weird sea creatures we counteracted with, including my temporary sea cucumber PEECKLES. Hahaha. Speaking of which, I have a lab due tomorrow -____-"
Sensen's wedding. It's like a BOOM of marriage in the Winatas. The good part was meeting everyone in the family. It's always a good time since we hardly meet. Oh and plus I liked my dress, so that made it all better, hahaha. This is what my cousin said after the whole wedding reception was over: "The most exciting and best part of the wedding was the 'walk down the red carpet aisle' with all eyes focused on the newly wed. So tika, when you get married, make your entrance walk a hundred metres." :)
anyway, quarter reports given out yesterday. liked it all except for AP stats -_____-" oh god help.
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| alright, so life goes on through thick and thin. school just started a week ago and it feels like im binded to a contract of the future. oh seriously, some things are better put aside; que sera sera. unfortunately in all sadness, the tasks and responsibilities are pinned at the back of your head. they're there constantly creeping on and whispering silently to you even if you dont hear or see it, only the people behind could judge. in this case it would be mom and dad- esp senior year, we tend to just give them the back of our heads when they do their so called lectures- the truth is, they are talking to where responbility is laid: the back of our head. okay enough said, its just college pressure talking here.
Adding to all the college pressure, an all male accapella group from HARVARD boston came to jakarta. DIN & TONICS- oh me goose. they are the most entertaining live entertainers ever. ever. their choreographed actions, animated faces, and soulful blend. blondie blue eyed rowan sang "girl from ipanema" and it feels like- oh please just melt my heart and pour it to a bottle and take it with you and sing me a lullaby every night- kinda thing. hahaha. sam's "copa cobana" was in all seriousness charming and sweet- the perfect guy you want to sing sweet love songs under your balcony. awww. i surely crave for more of their gigs.
dins and joint sound
the so called long weekend wasnt even close to long. but certainly the course of life would be totally blant without lifes' dramas. des left :( hopefully occidental is gonna treat her well. my talk mate left too- hopefully pepperdine is not gonna over- pamper wes. haha. not meaning to sound like a dramamama but silence is part of life that erupts some unwanted emotions. it's been like that for the past few weeks- getting used to the new situation here. this probably explains all the dreaming i've had for the past few weeks:
what does it mean to dive into a 231 meter pool at night?
what does it mean to enter a fake mini disneyland with rowboats and whirpool and sharks chasing around?
what does it mean to stand with a friend in the middle of the forest, too afraid to move because the monkeys look murderous?
what does it mean to be in an island with tsunami attacking the whole world and i am one of the only few survivors left?
in IES church today, the pastor mentioned that you are no fool if you give up everything you keep to gain something you cannot lose. it's a saying by jim eliot btw. sometimes its hard to give up what you dont even need. oh and i finally met KIEV today in church- oh that little cutie petootie! i love that kid already. with the mini jolie lips and wonderfully mesmerizing brown eyes. awwww. kiev i love love love.
cutie petootie kiev | | |
| Oh gosh I have to get me ready for school. Let me breathe before im caught up in all the mess again. I believe this will happen in a worse state, so I better be ready. Get me, myself and I ready for all the late nights, pressures, sacrifices, commitments and working my ass off. I have to do this right. im jittery; about SATs, APs, college apps. I NEED to be focused. A wise man said that you can have anything if you are willing to give up everything else. This works for school right? Funny as it sounds, but im willing to try. i sound incredibly insane right now for ppl who don’t actually care much. To me this is not just about school. It’s too long and wide to explain. But I need to do this right, so give me the chance.
Okay right this moment, I am independent, liberal of all attachments what-so-ever. Honestly it’s the first in a long time. I plan to maintain this status. I’ve learnt that you have to manage pain; you can’t outrun pain. And plus, life makes more of it. We just need to learn how to survive with maximum pleasure- and that can mean denying. Oh people, we deny so much we cant recognize the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Denial; It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin ocean. So, how do we keep ourselves from drowning?
We don’t always have answers. Especially to that question I’ve just asked.
If you could know your future, would you? The answer to this question divides people to two categories- ones who like to live in surprise and ones who like to know everything beforehand. Oh I like the surprise, the other choice is like to cheat in life. And the game is no longer fun to be in. I’d like moments that take my breath away. And plus, who says we cant create our future?
So Einstein did say that imagination is more important than knowledge. But wouldn’t we need knowledge to make imagination a reality? In this world, nothing is too simple. That’s why we LOVE simple things in life. People who say they are simple are probably saying it to BE simple while the fact is- no one leads a ridiculously simple life to call themselves “simple”. Imagination is powerful and only with knowledge, confidence, skills and power can we tackle it to reality. But first, we need to have the imagination. So lets start. Lets imagine. | | |
| Summer is nearly gone. Im home sweet home. NYC and SF was spectacular in its own spirit.
NYC: the city that never sleeps. At least half of it. A shopping paradise for those craving of summer buys. Cash is not nearly enough, even credit cards- swipping away like those cards are worth billions. And our bad days (yun and i) were those where we realized we spent too much or that our suitcases wont fit. Hahaha. We’d get all the sugar rush- or I’ll call it “shop shop rush”; laugh and scream, shout and wiggle. “Examined” all the famous stores in nyc, walked from sun high to sun down, walked till my feet were numb and “sour” is how we would say it in Chinese. Met the world-famous Adriana lima (maybelline and Victoria secret) in the most random petshop near our hotel. And on the same day, we met the infamous Lisa Gastineau in 5th street, in an Italian rest where the waitress was a big biatch. Times square is the part of nyc that never sleeps. A world of lights, high billboards, high rises- glistening all our faces to the sight of the sleepless square. Went to the legendary B.B king to watch a supposedly legendary Accapella group called the persuasions. Not bad is all I can say for a bunch of passionate, aged black American- musicans. Madame Tussauds is around the corner too- many of the Hollywood celebrity replicas were there. It’s scary how these wax figures could look so realistic especially when you glance them in the eyes. Of course the highlight of madame tussauds was Johnny depp (Jack Sparrow) from Pirates of the Caribbean and the oh- so gorgeous Brandon Routh (Superman). Being a family of art fans we went to the Museum of Modern Art- a minimalist place with some work I must say is a two thumbs up. Oh oh…cant believe I almost forgot TAO! Chinese- Japanese restaurant with to die for foods and miraculously unique, intricate interior. That is the restaurant I would recommend to all out there going to NYC. This was basically the highlight of my summer in New York. And so of course, this continues on to San Francisco where we started the next half of our journey with a fine of overweight luggage.
artworks:
madame tussauds:
johnny depp
brandon routh
SF: I expected the flight to be much shorter. That’s all I can say about the transition. We were scanning through familiar faces in the airport and finally spotted uncle kc. For the first time I met my youngest cousin, eric. He was cute indeed- shy with a hint of naughtiness. We drove up the mountains to where lau lau’s grave laid. It was green and peaceful- tranquil serenity rushed through, as if she came to greet me with sincere heart. Paid my utmost respect as I pierced the soil with joysticks. I regret not being able to see her for the last time, but what else can I do. I can only imagine how much reminiscence mama would feel when looking at the tomb- of her mother buried beneath the earth. My eyes began to water but I dare not cry. Summer in cali this year was burning hot, especially with a fat cat and madly hyperactive dog in the house- I was in sauna till sunset. And so I finally met x, and it feels like summer 2005 again. There is always chemistry but it is always the wrong time. Maybe time will finally adjust itself in the future. This time we skipped golden gate bridge- forget sight seeing and more shop seeing. Haha. SF was all about connecting back to things I’ve left for a while.
cutiepie eric
sunset on the road. [i'll find a way]
Summer movies are often spectacular spectacular. And to prove myself right; Lake house and lucky number Slevin. There was something about Lake house that touched me deeply (besides the movie starring Keanu reeves, hehe)- how passion and love could happen even if the person is almost impossible to reach, how they have the patience to cope through and fight time, the one thing we cannot buy, the one thing inevitable. Movie I know, but a great one. Lucky number Slevin was smart and at the same time sweet. Plus Josh Harnet- sexy smoulderin eyes! Seriously… well these two movies consist of my all time favorite actors- makes it better ?
*Sometimes I get carried in my own little world, accompanied by some mellow music- wondering what the hell is really going on that’s making me cringe inside. Wanna surrender to someone I can trust, wanna feel love, be loved, and love, for real. For real. I see into each one’s eyes and see nothing. Nothing I can hold on to. Been saying to alot of ppl recently that you need to take risks in life. i've heard that somewhere before and only now does it come clear. sometimes you get nowhere in life if you're not willing to take that risk. but the question is; what if you fail taking that risk? getting hurt, breaking down- i know that's just part of life, but someone fragile wouldnt be able to cope risks. it has always been maybes, i dont knows, and not sures lately. i want something definite. the way i used to be. decisive. i've recently come to realize that love grows on to you. someone once told me that love is the greatest feeling you can ever feel for someone. maybe that is true. love is different from person to person- i dont even know how to define it. love just doesn't struck you with bows and arrows- that's why life is never like a fairy tale -> "and they lived happily ever after..." - do we ever see them growing old together and still loving one another? i dont think so... cinderella, sleeping beauty, beauty and the beast, rapunzel. this is maybe why people write such fairy tales- they DREAM about happy endings or i shall say perfect endings because it is rare in this reality. i want to write my own tale- a real one*
Alrightey- well I think I broke my own record of the longest blog ever written. Haha. Feels like I have more to spill out but I cant express them to words.
Just came back from a birthday dinner. Gonna tuck in soon. Happy birthday jems.
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| And as always, holidays seem to just buzz by. It’s been about a month into summer- got my share of freedom and fun, but it’s getting back at me with a breakout and some pounds. Hahaha. -___-“ better get back in shape.
Im back in Jakarta, but leaving again tonight for new york. Meeting my lovely ladies- jess and shar ? then im off to san fran. Meeting my jiu jiu and someone else. Eager to taste the fashionista city and to see the person tangled in the midst of my mind…
Okay, so Singapore was typical. Wednesdays were mambojambo; silly and sometimes fun. Clark quay became such a romantic place, and esplanade…you can just say Singapore is a well to do country from there. The food! Mama mia…they still have FAWSOME food there; my all time fav- boon tong kee’s fried bean curd, Newton, yoshinoya, burger king, mos burger, pratta, laksa, and kopitiam. [those are foodS that are “not available” here, more like my much missed food list] hahaha ? SAT lessons were crap and boring, but let’s just hope it works. The people in sg: jo, claud, alex, sam, ko andi, cas, wes, lau shi, thal, jian, irvan (2 days), des (1 day) Oh and I must say that two more guys are officially added to my “A list Hollywood guys”. Hahaha. And the two are: Channing tatum [She’s the man] and Brandon Routh [Superman]. Yeshummm. Let me just tell ya it’s not easy going to my A list! =P okay okay, enough of Singapore.
I miss nade, and it just hit me that she left ? was listening to her amazing solo of natural woman yst, and our songs that we recorded last minute. Cant help it :’(
Im currently looking through Rachael yamagata’s lyrics. I love her writing style and how she expresses her inner thoughts and feelings. Very heartfelt:
Even so---
For I love you like you'll never let yourself feel again
I love you like a brother and a friend
I love you with my whole heart until it bends
I love you like a lover until the very end
But I'll always think of all the things
You did to let me know that you love me
Under my skin---
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go
Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close
To going through that door”
Quiet---
Take care
I've been hurt before
Too much time spent on closing doors
You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you
Goodbye
Don't cry
You know why
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
As they steal your best memories away
What if I was someone different in your only history?
Would you feel the same
As I walk out the door
Never to see your face again
Collide---
I’ll fascinate you for awhile
My hands in wait to please, so well
When I wake to realize, all I’d done
I’ll be breaking strings
And all you’re gonna feel
Is undone
I will not stay if you ask me to stay
Do not ask me to stay because I will not stay
Why do we always collide
Stuck on two different sides
Somehow, lately, I don’t feel whole. Something’s missing, don’t even know what it is. Need someone right, to pick up my pieces and make me whole again.
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